


Had to Each Be Lonely

by Innin



Category: Stand Still Stay Silent
Genre: Angst and Porn, Bittersweet, F/F, Rather More Angst Than Porn, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-26
Updated: 2017-02-26
Packaged: 2018-09-26 23:55:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9934643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Innin/pseuds/Innin
Summary: Tuuri is infected, but instead of getting used to the thought, Sigrun can't deny her anything.





	

**Author's Note:**

> For SSSSFemFeb, loosely inspired (as in, "was my writing soundtrack") Norah Jones' _Shoot the Moon_ , which also provided the title and a modified line in the fic. - Many thanks to Anna for the beta. ♥

Sigrun had gone far enough from the tank that it began to blur through the haze of smoke still hanging over the field of battle, sometimes entirely obscuring their vehicle and the figures milling around it. 

She wondered just when or whether Tuuri would next show up in her bed, figuratively speaking. They hadn't actually done it in her bed at all, though they'd made use of some other spots in the tank that'd make Emil blush and Mikkel go on a frenetic cleaning binge. Sigrun had meant to tell them once they were done with the mission, just to see their faces, but it wasn't funny any longer. 

They couldn't even use the bunk any longer, not without contaminating it for Reynir, and she'd be damned if she wasn't at least going to bring home one of the non-immunes. They'd done it most everywhere else, so outside would have to do if they wanted something new. 

No big risk if a troll showed up - unlikely as that was in broad daylight - now. It couldn't get that much worse. 

She kicked a charred clump that might have been a troll skull with enough force to send it crashing into the underbrush and jumped at the snap of branches, much as she tried to stop it. She glared after it for good measure when steps neared, almost noiseless through the ash. 

"Hey," Tuuri said behind her, stopping a distance. "See anything out there?"

"Nah. Just looking." 

"Mmmh." Tuuri approached, and when she reached Sigrun, leaned against her. Sigrun's arm came around her with no prompting, easy and comfortable, pulling her flush against her. Or - it'd be comfortable if not for the upper edge of the bandage showing above the neckline of Tuuri's grey sweater. 

"Hey," Tuuri said again. She'd probably noticed where Sigrun had been looking. The creases around her mouth went deep in a smile that had to be fake. "I'm not dead yet. Do you want - ?" 

"Not really, Fuzzy. Sorry. It's kind of hard getting horny for you when all I'm thinking about is how you won't be around much longer." 

"I understand," Tuuri said. "But I really… well, you don't have to be. If you just - do me?" Tuuri's voice pitched over the edge a little; her pale cheeks flamed a deep red. "Would that be okay?" 

"Take the edge of things, huh? Yeah. That'd be okay. C'mere." Sigrun walked a few steps further into the forest and sat down with her back to a tree, her legs outstretched. The smell of pine sap masked some of the stench from the burned field. 

It was almost nice. 

Tuuri joined her, settling onto Sigrun's lap like she'd done so often. She wasn't wearing her mask and leaned in to kiss Sigrun, and despite herself Sigrun felt herself responding as she always did, her fingers at the back of Tuuri's fuzzy head pulling her in, the other hand on her cheek, Tuuri's lower lip held lightly between her teeth, the familiar give-and-take they'd worked out between them over the past few weeks, and just like that Tuuri was taking up all her focus again. 

Sigrun drew back and opened her eyes, holding up a hand when Tuuri made to kiss her again. Tuuri rocked back, bright eyes trained on Sigrun's face. 

"I shouldn't be doing this," Sigrun said. "I need to keep my cool after you're gone. I don't want everyone to bite it just becau - sorry," she said when Tuuri flinched. "But it's true. I shouldn't let myself get so carried away. Keep the rest of them from doing something stupid until we're safe on that ship. I need to keep that in mind. You get what I'm saying, right?" 

"Y-yeah," Tuuri said. She was still looking right into Sigrun's face, her own had turned unhappy and pinched. "But it looks like you're already in too deep. I just - I-i… nevermind. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I got bitten, I'm sorry I'm not immune, I'm sorry I'm so _scared_ , I just… maybe we'd feel better. Or we can just forget ab-"

Sigrun knew better than to kiss Tuuri again. She should be keeping her distance and get friendly with the thought of putting a bullet through Tuuri's head if the Rash didn't take her. Or at best, leave her behind if she turned. Out here, what harm could she do? Either way, they'd lose her. They'd each be lonely soon enough. 

She kissed Tuuri again anyway. 

"What the Hel," she said against Tuuri's lips. "Might as well make the time count."

It was a dumb idea, but things just went from then as they always did, or at least mostly like it. 

Sigrun found she liked how familiar they'd become - neither of them had talked about anything permanent once the mission was over, but she'd be lying to herself if her quip about stealing Lalli to Dalsnes hadn't included Tuuri in her thoughts, and carrying on as they'd started, nothing more and nothing less. After all, that was how she'd always done it, right? As a Hunter, especially as a Hunter Captain she didn't have a lot of use for permanence anyway. She couldn't count on being around to go steady. She loved her job, but sometimes her job involved dying, she'd just been good enough - and lucky enough - to stay alive that far. Her luck was bound to run out at some point. 

Going steady was for people like Tuuri. 

Usually. 

To force down that thought, she kissed Tuuri harder. A scab on her lip from the fight had gotten worried loose, and Sigrun tasted blood. Tuuri made a noise against her lips that was equal parts desire and something else, and her fingers scratched over Sigrun's scalp in her haste to tighten her fists in Sigrun's hair, stinging to the roots of it when she did. 

Sigrun pulled her in more closely, exhaled when Tuuri's breasts pushed against her. The grey wool gave under Sigrun's fingers when she yanked it up, bared Tuuri to the cold air, saw her skin rise into goosebumps. Tuuri was still struggling to get the sweater over her head while Sigrun already unhooked her bra and bent to kiss down the curve of Tuuri's breasts, closing her lips around a nipple until, muffled by the sweater's fabric, Tuuri moaned. 

She tossed it away, baring her shoulders, too, and the bandage with it. 

Sigrun didn't look at it. 

She didn't. 

She only rolled her eyes at how Mikkel had fixed it; the whole thing would get in the way of some of her favourite spots - Tuuri's collarbones were covered by the white gauze, and half her throat, and it wasn't even a _big_ bite. Bloody Mikkel. 

"Hey, Fuzzy," Sigrun said, breathless, wrapping her arms around Tuuri, around the curves of her hips, the bones underneath the soft skin and layer of chub that made her so wonderfully soft in the first place. Tuuri's hair stood on end and her cheeks were already flushing a bright red. She looked almost happy, and yet - "Tell me if I'm hurting you, I don't wanna make this worse for you." 

"O-okay," Tuuri answered. They'd been over this before; the first time around Sigrun hadn't even been sure how to handle someone that young, and someone who seemed so squishy, but Tuuri'd managed to drive that idea right out of her head, along with most other thoughts. But she'd wanted to make sure before that. And now more than ever. 

"Okay?" 

"Yeah. I-i just… there's nothing that'll make it worse, really. Don't worry. I just don't wanna think about _that_ right now." 

Sigrun had a smile in her for that. "Yeah, let's forget about that for a bit." 

"You're terrible at lying," Tuuri said close against her face, her nose bumping Sigrun's, "I-it's okay if you don't… or can't, or… I can go if you want." 

In answer - it wasn't even a conscious thing, Sigrun only noticed when Tuuri resisted for a moment before she moved in on Sigrun again - she locked her arms around her more tightly. "You stay right here. It's not fair to get me all hot and bothered and then run off." 

She wasn't, but that was beside the point. 

Tuuri took Sigrun's face in both her hands, thumbs trailing along her jawbones, the sides of her throat, in mirrored, feather-light movements. It was nice, really nice, even though it was all so gentle, so harmless. Sigrun's eyes slipped shut again of their own accord, and for a moment she wasn't sure _where_ to tilt her head, and surprised herself by thinking how much of some weird sort of lead-up to pity sex this was starting to feel - with Tuuri, of all people, pitying _her_. 

That wasn't how it was supposed to feel. 

Sigrun was the one who had failed on her job, and to be at the receiving end of Tuuri's comfort...maybe if she weren't herself as much as she was, she'd manage to end it, but she couldn't climb out of her skin any more than anybody else. 

Tuuri kissed her again, and her hands fell to brush the jacket off Sigrun's shoulders, then further to the hem of her shirt. It came off more easily than Tuuri's sweater had, and Tuuri moved against her once there was bare skin to touch, trapping warmth between them against the frigid day, splaying her hands between the rough pine tree and Sigrun's back, mapping the scars there with her fingertips. 

Sigrun hissed when Tuuri's hands ghosted over the bruises from her fall. Tuuri started and drew away. "Sorry. Sorry. I didn't mean to - I didn't want - " 

"It's okay," Sigrun mutters. "Don't fuss, I'm fine."

Whether or not she noticed the truth of that, Tuuri didn't stop touching, finally coming down to Sigrun's arm and the fresh bandage there. It barely hurt, not after whatever salve Mikkel had applied to it earlier. 

"You have so many scars," Tuuri murmured; her forehead coming to rest against Sigrun's shoulder. Her voice hitched even as her fingers continued moving, feathering up the arm again, then down Sigrun's ribs, careful not to tickle. "You're so lucky." 

_And you're not. In the end the one you got will be the first and last one like that._

She didn't say it aloud. She didn't have to, but the thought was enough to send a painful twinge through her chest. Sigrun must have stiffened under Tuuri's hands, or maybe her quiet was enough, because Tuuri pulled back, whispering "Sorry," and hung back uncertainly; her hands curled and uncurled against Sigrun's knees. 

Sigrun sighed and opened her eyes. "Stop that. It's no use being sorry for something you can't change now. It's okay."

Tuuri coughed out a wet laugh. "It isn't, but that's okay." Her eyes gleamed suspiciously. 

"I just said that. Come on, don't start crying on me now." 

Tuuri sniffled, and Sigrun gathered her into her arms. And then she had her arms full of crying Tuuri, and she'd be damned if she didn't get a little teary-eyed herself, leaving kisses across Tuuri's face, her forehead, her hair. "Shhh. Shh." 

Tuuri was the one who started kissing Sigrun again. Both their faces were wet when they came back together. "I-i'm sorry. I made it sad," Tuuri managed before Sigrun stopped her words, desperately. If Tuuri didn't understand being told to stop apologizing - really, to stop blabbering altogether - Sigrun would have to see to it herself. She never broke contact, still tasting salt as she laid Tuuri down in the pale yellow grass, her discarded sweater underneath. The grass rustled as it fanned around Tuuri's head like a crown, or sun-rays. 

Tuuri was shivering beneath her, but her eyes had gone steady, wide and dark, rapt on Sigrun's face. She moved her legs apart for Sigrun to settle between them, exhaled softly, relaxed into Sigrun's touch, into the warmth of their bodies sliding together skin against skin. Sigrun tugged off her bra. Her breast fit comfortably into the cup that Tuuri's palm and fingers made, leaving her thumb free to flick over her nipple, gently. Sigrun ran a thumb over Tuuri's parted lips.

"Good?" she asked. Somewhere in the trees overhead, a pigeon cooed, and dimmed voices drifted over from the tank, far enough to be no concern. Otherwise the day was windless and silent the way winter sometimes was.

"Good," Tuuri agreed, still a little breathless and hitched from the tears. "I like this. Can we just stay this way?" 

"They'll probably come looking for us in a bit, but we can take our time. A bit longer is okay. And if they don't let us, they go on my mutinist list. No one wants to be on my mutinist list, I don't think." 

Tuuri turned her head so their lips met, and laughed in a quick, sad burst against Sigrun's mouth. 

"I mean it," Sigrun said in return, bewildered for a second, and trying to put her thoughts into words without reminding Tuuri again how precious little time they had left. Otherwise, why would an interruption matter? "We don't get meddle with their off-time except if something's going on, they don't with ours. So I'll stay right here with you."

"Ours... so… does that mean you like me back?" Tuuri's lips curved against hers, a little hesitantly. 

Sigrun nipped at her mouth, a small warning that had exactly the opposite effect; Tuuri muffled a gasp against Sigrun's teeth. 

"Is that a yes?"

Sigrun nodded. "I said so at the beginning. I wasn't making that up, even if I hadn't expected that you'd be so short and squeaky. And I didn't think I'd like you this much."

Drawing back, Tuuri protested, "I-i'm _not_ squeaky," and her voice tipped over, or at least it almost did. She came back into contact as soon as she'd spoken, though, like she didn't want it to stop any more than Sigrun did.

"Are squeaky too, Fuzzy. But it doesn't matter, you're pretty great in the ways I'm not. The squeak is just part of the package. It's not a bad thing."

Tuuri stilled under Sigrun. She sounded almost timid when she next spoke.

"What else?"

Sigrun trailed her hands down between Tuuri's breasts, slow with lingering touches until the skin warmed under her fingers while she thought, and listened to Tuuri's breath come just a little unsteady. "Look at me, I quit school as soon as I could to train fighting instead. You're smart, and you like reading, and... " Tuuri's breathing became shallower the lower Sigrun's hands slipped over her hips and belly. "... and you're sweet, and sneaky, and…" 

"And we're still wearing too many clothes," Tuuri murmured, frowning under her hair-poof that had fallen half over her closed eyes. Sigrun let her hands lie at the waistband of Tuuri's soft grey pants, her good one in front, the other at the small of Tuuri's back, supporting her. It was too much grey on Tuuri, really, making her look like a corpse before her time. But that was another thing she had to bite her tongue about. 

She pressed a kiss to the corner of Tuuri's mouth instead. A muscle in Tuuri's stomach fluttered, a quick twitch under Sigrun's fingers that she felt even through the fabric. 

"Hey. Sure you want me to go on?"

In answer, Tuuri found her mouth again, and kissed Sigrun until she was well and truly breathless, and the only thought that maybe had no place there was where Tuuri learned to kiss like that, because by then Sigrun's blood had started rushing in her ears and Tuuri had wrapped her fingers around Sigrun's palm tugging her hand down in between her underwear and her heated skin. 

By then they'd done it so often that Sigrun knew exactly what Tuuri liked and could have brought her off in no time at all, but for once she took her time and let Tuuri take the lead. She teased into the wetness and out again until Tuuri's back arched and she pushed for more, tensing under Sigrun's hand and relaxing again, whining softly. 

"Sigrun… can you - your mouth? Please?" 

Sigrun trailed a circle on the inside of Tuuri's inner thigh with her fingertips. "Yeah, I can do that." 

She made short work of Tuuri's boots and pants until all Tuuri still wore were her socks and the damn bandage. Another time, and she might have drawn it out further, removing the clothes slowly, kissing as she went, but teasing too much seemed cruel when Tuuri was so needy, angling her legs open further for Sigrun the moment she was naked. Something inside Sigrun ached at the trust of all that, but she pushed it to the back of her mind and set to work. 

Long, slow strokes of her tongue made Tuuri shudder against her mouth. The leg she'd hooked over Sigrun's shoulder tensed and relaxed with each of them.

Sigrun made sure to murmur praise in between, how well Tuuri was opening for her, how wonderfully slick she was, the things Tuuri liked, how she could sense the heat coiling in her. How sensitive she was, and how quick, brief flicks of her tongue against Tuuri's clit made Tuuri press her forehead into the grass and twist up against Sigrun's mouth.

Tuuri came suddenly - and came hard - without any of the usual pleading for more. 

Sigrun's mind reeled for a moment at how quick that'd been, then she joined Tuuri on the grass, stretching out alongside and winding her arms around her waist, pulling her coat over the both of them against the cold and resting her chin on Tuuri's shoulder.

"You're terrible at lying," Tuuri said lazily, picking up from before, her eyes still half-lidded in the afterglow. "Like with the bridge. That's how I could tell you weren't lying. You liked it." 

"I tell a mean story, though," Sigrun replied, exhaling open-mouthed around a soft laugh. Tuuri's taste coated her tongue. In between it all, she'd be lying if she said she'd gotten away completely unaffected; there was heat lazily curling through her, but Tuuri wasn't asking, so she let it be. "But this wasn't a story. I didn't have to." 

"Mmmh. Can we stay here a bit more?" Tuuri nuzzled into her hold, tucking her face in between Sigrun's chin and her chest; her hair tickled Sigrun's throat. "I don't want to go back yet."

They had so much to do - clean up, pack up, get their tank running again and get to the rendezvous-spot on time. The last two depended on Tuuri more than anyone. As a good commander she shouldn't have allowed that kind of leisure in those circumstances - but Tuuri of all people deserved a break. She'd gotten her death sentence the night before. Who knew when - or if - they'd have that chance again? 

Sigrun dipped her head and pressed a kiss to Tuuri's hair, breathing deep against the regret and guilt. "Sure, Fuzzy. We've got all the time in the world."


End file.
